My Life's Story Part '?'

Saya percaya apa yang dibilang Raditya Dhika, kalo setiap insan di dunia ini punya cerita mereka sendiri-sendiri. Ibaratnya, di dunia ini ada bermilyar-milyar novel dalam bentuk manusia dengan berbagai macam cerita yang bahkan tidak pernah kita pikirkan sebelumnya. Ada yang seru, ada yang datar. Ada yang berakhir sedih, atau bahagia. Apa pun itu, saya termasuk di dalamnya. Cerita hidup saya... ya, gitu deh. Nggak ada yang istimewa. Saya orang dari kalangan biasa yang kebetulan punya segudang mimpi untuk ditaklukkan. Saya tidak memiliki prestasi yang sangat membanggakan atau hal-hal luar biasa lainnya. Jika saya ingin merubah hidup saya menjadi luar biasa, bisa saja. Tapi itu jika dulu saya tahu caranya. Nah, masalahnya ketika moment di mana seharusnya hal-hal istimewa itu ada, I couldn't make it. Very disappointed. Tapi saya sadar, sekeras apa pun kita berusaha, segalanya tetap tergantung pada apa yang sudah Tuhan tentukan. Takdir memang bisa berubah, jika kita berusaha menjadi lebih baik.

Nah, jadi bagaimana kisah hidup saya? Entahlah, saya sering bingung dari mana harus memulai.

The second week

Still sad and regret everything. Hating, and of course angry. Nobody wants to get hurt any second. Merasa sebagai looser dan nggak punya harapan. That's me now. Saya ingin orang mengasihani saya saat ini. Tapi, saya harus sadar sesadar-sadarnya. Terlalu banyak mellow dalam hidup hanya akan membuat saya tidak bisa apa-apa. He is the worst past because of what he did to me. Apakah karena salah saya atau bukan. For me, he still guilty. A hurt woman is a selfish woman ever exist. She never want to be judged. Saya adalah selfish woman untuk saat ini. Because of what I got. Still wondering what should I do to heal everything? Mungkin saya ingin membencinya. Tapi saya tahu, Allah tidak ingin saya membencinya. There's only one thing. I wanna runaway right now. But I know, no place to run

this is it

Michael Jackson titled his last concert with it. finish. But for me, it doesn't a final. It's just a beginning.

To all broken hearted girls in the world. It looks hyperbolic. But for me, this is the reality that I want to share with you all, girls. I never knew how it feels until now. This is the worst feeling that I never want to get anymore, although a second. Now I knew how it feels, when somebody you thinking about every night said something you never want to hear along your life. For the first week, your days will full of tears. Thinking about how easy he told you about that, how easy he change his feeling and turn around to someone better then you. it's a melodramatic phase, when you feels like a drama queen. Remind about your beautiful memory with him, and wish it would never ended. But in fact, when the storm come into we aren't ready yet. We feel like fallen from the highest place and crashing a sharp thing. I knew how it feels like. I want to angry and punch him if necessary. But I can't. first he is faraway, and second, that's not my style. Your days also will full of revenge wishing. Maybe you will pray to God to punished him as heavy as possible and see him hurt as you feeling. But, some of you girls will thinking it's all useless. What now? Forgive him? I'm sure you still hard to do that. so do I. Now, I'm waiting for the second week and the next. Can I joint with you girls? And enjoy this pain together? Learn from it?

It's Coming

dalam satu waktu, saya pernah berpikir kalau hidup ini cukup sempurna. Saya nggak bilang sempurna karena tentunya masih ada kekurangan di sana-sini. Tapi cukup. Bahkan cenderung biasa, tapi tidak terlalu membosankan. Datar, hampir tidak ada kesan. Kita semua berharap ada kebahagiaan di dalamnya kan? Bukan sekedar hal yang membosankan. Tapi bosan lebih baik daripada masalah. Beberapa orang berpikir begitu. Masalah jadi sedikit menakutkan ketika datang. Kenapa ya? Saya sering merenung, ketika sedang menikmati kesan indah yang diberikan tuhan dalam hidup. Semua ini pasti sementara. Looks perfect but who knows, one day there will coming a storm in your life. The storm's name is problem. Kita sering bertanya-tanya soal ini, tapi sering tidak siap ketika pada akhirnya datang. Sesederhana apa pun itu. Saya masih bertanya sampai saya tulis blog ini.

THE HAPPIEST PART OF LIFE

Have you ever got it? The happiest part of your life. Although just once along your life. Sometimes, we feel at one moment we had the best part of our life's episodes. But in some moments, we felt that we never feel happy whole life. I wonder, when will I got this best part? When I feel so happy, the happiness that change my whole life. I never, or maybe don't get it yet. I wonder, what Allah wants me to do? Because I spend almost everyday wondering about my destination, my jobs, my life, my future. Everything. It's like, I walk into the circle. I called it circle, because I can't find the answer. It's like never ending worries. I wonder, when will all my questions answered? When I wouldn't wondering again? When I'm walking for work or home, I did asking. I thought it will end when I tried to go, but nope. It just happen again.

Aku akhir-akhir ini bertany-tanya. Apakah keputusanku untuk mengalah dan menunggu kesempatan yang lain untuk keluar dari sini itu tepat? Karena beberapa hari ini selalu aku isi dengan kemurungan yang aku sendiri bingung apa maksudnya. Aku sendiri gelisah, seperti orang kebingungan. Aku menyebutnya dengan berjalan dalam lingkaran. Tapi sejujurnya, aku sendiri bingung apa yang aku khawatirkan, apa yang membuatku gelisah? Semua itu belum terjawab. Aku pikir, apakah aku sudah berbuat suatu kesalahan yang amat besar? Mungkin. Di satu sisi, aku sering menyesal meninggalkan ibuku. Dari mulai puber sampai sekarang, aku belum pernah tinggal di rumah dan melakukan kegiatan ibu dan anak bersamanya. Seandainya boleh, ingin kembali ke masa lalu dan menunda apa yang seharusnya aku tunda. Tapi aku rasa nggak mungkin. Dan di satu sisi, aku sayng untuk meninggalkan dunia radio. I fell in love with my job. But to move, it's so difficult.

dilemma

do you ever felt it? even just once in your life? I did it now. It's kind of a feeling that makes you difficult to making decision. I just have a decision to the next plan. I mean, it's kind of the things that I want to change. I thought it's just perfect. But no, it doesn't. Perfection doesn't come so easy. It never happen like we want. I got so many tears after all. Many. Maybe, one liter ore more. I don't know. It's just a hurt moment. Becoming someone that have no choices and have an ordinary thing it doesn't make proud of. In just a moment, I feel so underestimated, guilty, alone, and hopeless. And yeah, helpless. What can I do next? I'm in a big dilemma. If I stay, some people will disappointed. But if I keep on, yeah, some people will disappointed and angry. What will you do if you were me? My eyes gone sore. Nobody motivated me here. I feel alone. People I called supporters are far away from me. There's no final decision yet. I'm just afraid. I'm afraid to make another people angry or disappointed. To give in? I think it's not a good idea too. Maybe because it's all about my fault too. I always forgetting Allah when happy, and just remember Him when I confused. I seldom ask for His helps, because there's a little incertitude in my heart. Can I pass it? Without hurt?